Saturday, October 22, 2011

dealing with the past.






Why me? 

What was the purpose of that?

Those could be some of the feelings and thoughts you have after you have been taken advantage of.

I was pretty upset after that happened to me but I didn't know how to tell anyone. I kept it inside for over a year and thought it would just go away.

The flashbacks haunted me.

Until one night, I knew I had to face the memory...

I was in love.

 I had given my heart to someone and trusted that he had my best intentions in mind. I thought he loved me too and he would never hurt me and we'd be together for a long time.

 I was wrong.

I felt alone after we broke up. I thought no one could understand me.

I was angry at God too.

My dad was sick.. he went through two years of operations and dealing with confused doctors who were not sure of how to heal him.

I was looking for comfort in a man that would help me deal with my father's illness.

So I gave in. I gave in a lot.

I thought I deserved it.

I believed I deserved to be treated as a body and not as a person.

My feelings didn't matter, I was just there to please him.

So I kept the pain inside.

I didn't think God could heal that pain. I thought He was ashamed of me and that He turned on me so I stopped praying and putting Him first.

It took me a while to get out of that frame of thinking...

I kept it hidden. I thought about it a lot and how I was treated but I didn't really tell anyone.  I was embarrassed and I thought I deserved it.

I didn't deserve it. No one deserves that.

I've come to the conclusion that I went through that to talk to other people about it. It was a learning experience and it taught me how I want to be treated and how I want to be respected by a man.

It showed me the kind of relationship I am looking for and to value the relationship I have now.

God loves each and every one of us and has a plan for our lives.

He wants us to come to Him broken, bitter, and confused so He can restore us and show us the love He had for us all along. He never left us. He just wanted us to realize that.

If you're broken about your past, tell Him about it. He loves you dearly and can restore your sadness and cleanse the guilt and shame you may feel.

I had to be reminded of that. I'm still working out my past issues with Him and I will for a long time. But I now know, I am not alone in this. He is on my side and will walk me through my healing.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
Psalm 147:3

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