I always wanted to be accepted. Let me rephrase that.. I always wanted to be accepted by a man. It didn't matter who as long as we could have a conversation, and got along. If we had something in common.. cool. But I couldn't deal with being alone. I was one of those people who after they broke up with someone, had a new boyfriend in a matter of weeks. I actually was referred to online dating from a friend and decided to give that a try. I went on a lot of dates. A friend of mine called me a "serial monogamist". The world was at my fingertips, I could search and talk to as many men as I wanted to. I was scared of being alone. I gave in way too easily to guys and I lost my self confidence for a while. I got my heart broken a few times too. I didn't matter anymore, what mattered is I wasn't allowed to be alone, I thought I'd find someone who thought I was worth something, and I would find someone to go do things with. I turned away from God. My relationship with God used to be so important to me and I thought for a while I was going to find a man who thought the same and put Him first. It didn't matter anymore. I stopped going to church too. My family tried to help me get out of my funk but I was overwhelmed and sad. No guy was going to give me what I wanted. That feeling of acceptance, trust and love.
No one but God. One day I was sitting in my car, I was being asked out by two guys through text messages. I sat there for a while and I questioned who I was, what my purpose is, and why I needed a guy to let me know all of that. I knew then what I needed to do. I politely declined their offers and I started praying again the way I used to. I started hanging out with my family and friends more. I wasn't alone... ever. I just needed to realize that. God never turned on me. I wasn't being rejected. He always had his arms wide open for me. He loves unconditionally. I just needed to be reminded of that.
However, I did open another online dating account a few weeks after. I went on another couple of dates.. but I still felt unsatisfied. One day I got an email from a guy that I found out lived rather close to me. We talked on the phone a few times before we decided to meet. I found out he has a relationship with Christ. I was beyond excited. We even prayed together on our second date! I have to say it has been the most fulfilling, rewarding and best relationship I've ever had in my life.
I'll never forget that day in my car when things started to make sense again. I had to discover that I wasn't alone and no man would truly give me the satisfaction like God can. I discovered who I am, and what I am truly worth and I never plan on going back to thinking that way again.